Refining our Infertility ~

I saw this today and it inspired me to write

my innermost about our infertility experience.

Part of the lie I told myself was that it was MY journey.

I had to keep this to myself, didn't want to burden

anyone with the silly shortcomings I had.

What did it matter to anyone else?  

Why do I even have the right to mourn the loss of this dream

when we were blessed with a beautiful daughter?

The answer I know now is: 

It matters to others because it matters to me.

I have been blessed with family

and friends that are true blessings to our life.

I shut out most everyone mostly because

talking about it was just too painful.

Too vulnerable, too much of a spotlight on my greatest flaw.

I was raised not to talk about flaws.

Not in a: 

'shove it under the carpet/pretend it doesn't exist' way,

but in a ladylike: 

'nobody wants to hear about how bloated you feel' way.

And I took that lesson too far.  

And I was caving under the weight of carrying the burden alone.

I would only let my husband in little by little.

I would silently cry myself to sleep,

pray silently and plead with the Lord by myself.

I was so self-involved, I couldn't see how

infertility affected *his dreams* of

a large family as well.

I distanced myself from family, pregnant friends,

and would wallow in self pity.

And the Lord never left my side.  

He knew I needed support as we are not designed to

go through life alone!

After years of relentless pursuit, prodding and blessings from the Lord,

I was finally coming to a point where I could talk about it

without crying, I felt my burden lift.

I was being prayed for, loved on, and becoming free.

And then it was my husband's turn.

I will never forget the exciting pregnancy

announcement from a family member, we were

driving in the car and we were talking

about it - and he started becoming emotional.

Never had I thought it affected him like it did me.

Of course it did!

His dreams and mine were so intertwined,

pivoting on our many rug rats and

life that surrounds that wonderful chaos.

(remember...these are dreams, ha!)

Just as I felt the healing hand of the Lord,

I was needing to be an emotional

support to my sweet man of my dreams.

He was there for me for SO many years, and I was glad

to take on the weight of *his* burden.

And now,  my strong, strapping husband is healing.

The Lord's pursuit of him didn't have to

be as relentless as with my stubborn heart, he was

much more quick to surrender than I.

And that's because the Lord knew we both

would need to be here for our daughter.

What a blessing she is to us!

She IS the dream come true for us.

She made us the mommy and daddy we wanted to be!

BUT. Now she's hurting.

She has prayed since she could pray for a sibling.

In her little voice as a 2-3 year old

praying to be a big sister.

Those were the days that I was *really* ticked at God.

We have made it our responsibility to not discuss

our sadness and desires for a large family with her.

We have always guided her to prayer

and we pray along side her.

Through this refining process,

I've learned that infertility doesn't just affect the mommy.

Or the daddy.

In our case, our daughter is affected too.

And it is amazing how we are able to

empathize with her innermost {crushed} prayer

to be a part of a big family.

But my husband and I can handle it.

The Lord has provided us with a strong testimony

of how His blessings abound even when

we don't have them answered OUR way.

The good news is,

pregnancy announcements now are joyous for me.

(and my husband)

No longer a pang of deep sadness and loss,

jealousy and anger, 

defeat and hopelessness.

It is an opportunity to aide our blessing of a daughter...

to be there in complete empathy, love and prayer

knowing that the Lord has a bigger plan

for our little family.

Amen.
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Linking up with To Love Honor and Vaccuum's
Wifey Wednesday today!